Grandpa

Went to the meat market tonight.

Said "I'd like half a rabbit please."

The butcher said "No, I don't split hares."

What do Politicians and coke bottles have in common?

They're both empty from the neck up.

Bethanie Wilson, this is you... Just add bubbles!

If you buy something in China,

does it say made around the corner?

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?"

"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'."

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw posted the other day.

Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed.

They'll pay in food, which is exactly what me and the cat like best!

For each load delivered, the company will provide

one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread.

Mmmmmm!

That's ri...

My neighbor got a new hearing aid.

"It is state-of-the-art" he said. "It cost $4,000."

"Very impressive" I said. "What kind is it?"

"It's 12:30" he said.

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up,

hires a new grad with a PhD degree in

business administration to be boss. This new

boss is determined to rid the company of all

slackers...

On a tour of the facilities, the new boss notices

a guy leaning against a wall. The room is full of

workers and he thinks this is his chance to

show everyone he means business! The boss

walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much

money do you make a week?"

Unflinching, the young fellow looks at hi...

According to the Associated Press:

Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house yesterday.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied...

Like a lot of husbands throughout history,

Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something,

his wife would say,

"... And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

31st Tactical Fighter Wing

Tuy Hua, Vietnam

DETOUR -

The roughest distance between two points?

Here's a solution to all the controversy

over full-body scanners at the airports.

Have a booth that you can step into that

will not X-ray you, but will detonate any

explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone,

and there would be none of this crap

about racial profiling and this method

would eliminate a long and expensive trial.

Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant.

I can see it now: you're in the airport

t...

Chopped cabbage is not just

a good idea, it's the slaw!

You do not need a parachute to skydive.

You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

My wife suggested a book for me to read.

It will enhance our relationship, she said.

It's titled: "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong."

Arbitrator -

A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds?

Control -

A short, ugly inmate

Overheard outside English 101 class -

The freshmen were called upon

to make sentences with words

assigned by their English professor.

Benny raised his hand to participate

in the challenge of making a

sentence with the words "Defeat,"

"Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."

Benny stood thinking while all the other

freshmen awaited his reply.

Smiling broadly, he proudly proclaimed,

"Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

A note left for a pianist

from his wife:

"Gone Chopin, have Liszt,

Bach in a Minuet."

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.